Voices in my Head

To the things I may look random to others and most likely no one is to understand why I what I do.

When I get bored I would stare on far off sky or most of the times an empty wall. It's a life confined within the walls of the house, a classroom, and ofcourse an office.

Confined within these wall and rules...  I stare in a far away place deep inside my mind and enter a world of my own. It's not just a world but rather it is made of multiple worlds.... some are very like this one with people very much like the people I meet everyday with friends exactly as I see them but with situation and happenings staged very differently. Minus the insecurity, embarrassment and filled with more fiery feelings much like a movie where at some point of time people are forced to say their true feelings.... something that rarely happens in real life. another is a world of complete fantasy a world filled with magic, wonders and ofcourse opposing forces of good and evil. I don't like a world filled with only one because I always believe that both are necessary for the world..... that is why both is made that is what makes the world interesting. It's what makes all the worlds interesting.

Back to the question why do I do the most random things at the most random times.... it only meant one thing it means i have drifted off in one of my worlds without anyone around me noticing... sometimes some of the actions in the other world I take to this one.... in the world inside my head a friend who is not beside me challenged me to do one thing and ofcourse I would do them in this world. One would think I'm insane however I don't think it's so bad... sometimes these random things lets me excel these random things noticed by the others are amazed by what I have done.... I don't think much of it but for some reason I have gained respect and acknowledgement for the things that a voice in my head told me to do....

I wonder if psychologist will tell me that it is wrong, I wonder if they will tell me I'm losing my sanity, or maybe it's my way of being creative... I hold a brain that is capable of so much as many other have told me... however for some reason there's something everything everybody can do that I cannot. For the longest time I have observed everyone around me and still I am clueless of what I have to do... I cannot have friends that share everything with me... If I ask they will tell ofcourse but how do you become someone that they will run to in times of trouble... a friend who they will think is reliable... This is something I had wished for and no matter how much I have changed in the past 5 years from a girl who don't have friends or refuses to talk to people to a friendly and warm person that they see me to be..... for some reason this is one thing that I cannot seem to have...

I'm sure many who knows me would be surprised that I would write some as depressing as this... however as I write this things I still wonder how long can I keep them.... will I lose them like the other I lost just for being who I am...

I grew up like most did... but for some reason I still have no idea who I am... maybe the real me is hiding within the people in my dreams... I sometimes wonder is she scared... Is she happy.. does she feel fulfilled or are both of us still lost in this big world.... I wonder will she ever tell me what she wants to do... or will I continue hearing an echo of the words I once heard in the Television... "Just be yourself and you'll be fine" but I have always wondered how can I be myself if I dont know who I am.